"The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason." - Marya Mannes
I still love this quote put up by my ex and meant for me. I had a horrible dream with him in it last night which prompted some more reflection.
As I look back, perhaps he really is a sociopath? I don't want to sound like my mom and call every person I don't like a sociopath but I think my ex really might be one. To be able to control emotions you have to have them. He is perhaps one of the most emotionless souls I have ever come across and he trys to counter that with the "application of reason". It is a know fact that sociopaths have no conscious and this explains his actions far better than anything else. Fact number two- Sociopaths are very smart (application of reason indeed). I have always been kind of embarrassed to admit to all the things he had me believing because I do take a lot of pride in protecting myself from abusive people. Now in retrospect, I have to admit he had me fooled. Witnessing him doing this with another victim is the thing that opened my eyes. By now she is realizing that the things I was saying about him are true and that I wasn't just trying to be the "bitter ex". Sadly, if he is true to form, he choose another person who hates to admit they are wrong. She will suffer in silence, especially now that a child is involved, and she will not admit her mistake.Anyway, that was what my dream was about. I was trying to help his wife. She had called me and wanted to talk to me but it was one of those dreams where you can't quite "get there". The phone would ring and by the time I answered, she wasn't there. I finally answer and I can't hear her. I try to call her and he answers. It was weird and I am having trouble shaking it off.*big sigh*Tomorrow school is back. Yuck. I find out if I will be getting a pink slip. I probably will. Yuck. At worst, I might end up moving to another school which for me would be worse than losing my job entirely. I hate change and I have heard stories of how bad others schools can be. I like my school.
My break was pretty good albeit busy. The Sunday after my last entry I stayed home and relaxed (and cleaned). Monday I was off to the Mall of America again with Rachel. We had great mother/daughter time. Tuesday I did some things with Tracy and then went with Rachel to her afternoon doctor appt. She didn't really need me for Max. He slept the whole time! He is so good! Wednesday we went back to the cities to get Jon and Rhi. Tracy and I went to the Southdale shopping complex and had lunch before we picked everyone up. It was nice to have my family back home and I am very thankful to Tracy for staying with me almost every night in my guest room so I wouldn't be all alone in my house! Thursday we went up to the zoo with Rachel, Max and Pete. That was also a fun day and Max was awesome. Rachel drove her new car she just financed. She paid off her Malibu with tax money and at my urging financed a safer car for the baby. I didn't trust that Malibu after the brakes quit on her *while* she was driving. Too scary for this paranoid chick! Friday we stayed home much to my relief. I am tired of jumping in the car and "going somewhere" which is saying alot because I normally like to go go go. I am just feeling so tired lately. Saturday we cleaned like the dickens to get ready for a photographer to come out and get family candids. They are doing a little story on Jon in the paper in July so they are gathering photos for the cause. It was kind of a khaki convention but we all had fun and I think the pics will be *very* nice. Today was another day mostly at home. Jon was moonlighting last night so I made breakfast for everyone. The house is nice and clean from yesterday but I still have to get up the bunny stuff and do some ironing.We went out for errands but in the end we all became tired. I went home and took a nap while Jon finished with the groceries. He is making chili for tonight! I love my husband! He will have most of April off so we should really get some things accomplished and have more time with each other.Despite my mental and emotional fatigue, and my impending job situation, I know I will enjoy April. It has always been a busy month but a joyful one. Spring lifts the spirits of anyone with blood pumping through their veins. Rachel's birthday is also in April and that always brings me happiness. She will be 20 this year! Amazing.