She Sings

Happy Easter!

I have had so much to reflect upon this month. Not long ago one of Rhi's good friends asked me to be her Godmother. This was the catalyst that started a spiritual journey for me that had been cut short pretty much in my childhood.

My religious upbringing was strange to say the least. My step-father was an ex-Catholic priest so of course we grew up Catholic. Now that I am older, however, I can see that I really didn't. I was the youngest so most of my religious experiences were with Lorenzo (step-father). He was ex-communicated for marrying my mom so if we went out to church, it was the Epicsopal church we actually attended. I say "if we went out" because Lorenzo ususally held mass at home. He had his reasons for not allowing us to go out much or have much contact with the outside world. I remember him saying he didn't really believe in confession (after I found out from other kids that good Catholics are supposed to go to confession) and now I know why he kept us from that. Confession would have been the only chance for us kids to tell someone what was going on at home. He cut us off from the rest of the world so most of what I know is from him( and I am realizing it isn't much).

I do remember briefly walking through the woods and up the hill to St. Pius Church to attend catechism but that was very brief. I was never formally taught, never experienced first communion or any other special event (can't remember being baptized as a baby) and basically was totally jipped. Lorenzo was such a sick pup that I can't rightly take in anything he ever taught me.

I didn't know that Lorenzo was the sick person that he was until I was 16. That was when I found out that my entire childhood was a lie and I had been raised by a total creep. I was very hurt and angry that no one had ever thought to clue me in to what had been going on in my own family. Consequently I developed a bad attitude towards religion. My association with Tom and Jon furthered this as Tom is basically an atheist and Jon is a minister's son whose father had the same problem as Lorenzo.(/p)I still craved a spiritual connection, however, and I tried my best to get back there. I even coaxed Tom into a Catholic church but that was as far as it went. He didn't hate the church like Jon but was more indifferent as he is about most things that don't directly involve him. Jon hates the church and he really hates the Catholic church. This was a big influence for me and I was willing to accept that he wasn't ever going to go to church nor wanted our kids to go to church. I wasn't willing to give up being a spiritual being because that is so much a part of who I am. I explored and encouraged Jon to experience Native American spirituality. We were brought into the Pow Wow scene via Jon's brother and I felt very much at home.

We pretty much raised Rachel with Native American spiritual traditions which are an integral part of their everyday life. We started with Rhi but by then I was working full time and life was so busy. The Spiritiual side of things was once again left behind. This is a crime because Rhianna has a very strong spiritual side to her that was evident at her birth. I wanted to nurture that and was never sure how it could be done. I began to feel that even with the Native stuff, I was doing all the work. I am not sure Jon was ever really interested in even the Native stuff at all.

We tended to surround ourselves with friends who also were not overty religious and that made things eaiser on us here in the Midwest. One of our very good friends for many years also shunned religion. His father was *also* a minister (seeing a trend?) and yet he had Native heritage as well. They also raised their kids without religion so it was a good fit for us. They seemed to also embrace many of the Native American beliefs and were the closest friends we had to our own view on the matter. His father was not as dysfunctional as Jon's and my own (that I know of - but anything is possible I guess!) and yet he still had the same attitude toward religion that we did. Or at least his wife did.It was easy for us to live without religion and we didn't really feel we were missing out on anything.

I have recently come to question all of this. The death of my mother and my good friend has left my very spiritually depleted and no support system exists to fill the void. I have come to realize that I don't want my children or my grandchildren to feel this way. My soul had long hungered to share with others a spiritual experience. I love the ceremony and the ritual, I need the reflection and self-evaluation as well as the support from others. I marveled at the way my brother's church came together when my mom died and brought food over every night. I love the fellowship and even just the human touch which is highlighted with the "peace be with you" ritual with the Catholics. Human connection is so important. Sure I have my family and my best friend Tracy and our other good friends. I really feel I need more or want more at this stage.

Tracy has continually invited me to her church which is Methodist and I always thought to go someday. My friend Sheila in high school invited me to her Southern Baptist church so I have been to other churches but none come close to the beauty I have always found in the Catholic traditions.

As a Godmother, I have been brought back into the Catholic church. Last night my Goddaughter was baptized as a part of a special and lovely mass. Jon and Rhi went to but I am not sure they were very impressed. Rhi went to support her friend and when I asked her what she though it was basically "no comment". There are still things I don't agree with and always will be. One of the other people being baptized was a former Buddist and there was a speech by the Father that basically said how wonderful it was that this woman had "seen the light" and switched to Catholicism. I am not really on board with the "we are better than every one else" thing and that is one of the things that turns me off. I think it is possible to still attend and share fellowship and get what I need. I can certainly just filter the things I don't accept like I do with everything else in my life. No need to throw out the baby with the bath water. Speaking of babies, I really would love to get Max baptised. Rachel at least seems interested so maybe she will go to church with me. In any case, I have started a new journey and it will be interesting to see where it leads.

Posted by Michelle at April 12, 2009 11:24 AM