She Sings

Of Course There's Drama!!

What would a funeral be without it? Especially in my family?

There was *drama* at the funeral to be sure. Drinking combined with a family white elephant named Lorenzo provided a fantastic array of fireworks on the evening before Rhi and I left my brother's house. I am not even going to go there but it is safe to say I was thankful to leave the next morning.

My own daughter, of course, provided some drama of her own a few days ago. She and her boyfriend had been staying with Jon's mom in Phoenix and made it as far as Kanab Utah before they had a fight with each other. Rachel stomped off in true tantrum style without telling Pete. He went out to the car and found her gone. After almost two hours went by and she had not yet returned, he became concerned. He just happened to run into the local Sheriff in the store he was in and told him that Rachel was missing. He neglected to tell the officer that they had been fighting so the police treated it as a possible abduction and sent out an APB. The short of this is (too late) Jon and I were called in the middle of the night. Jon was asked where Pete and Rachel had been going and Jon gave them my sister and brother's phone numbers. Within 20 minutes or so they located Rachel walking along a nearby road. The police were angry with Rachel and she reamed Pete for not telling them about the fight. All in a night's work for my little drama queen of a daughter.

They made their way up to Salt Lake City where my sister had said they could stay with her. I told Rachel not to depend on that though. When Jon and I went through she promised to see us too but never answered the phone. As predicted, the same happened for Rachel and Pete. They ended up sleeping in their car as they didn't have much money.

Now we are caught up to last night. Rachel calls me and says she is almost to my brother Ray's house and she wants us to call to see if they can stay with him. Jon calls and is told two things. My brother states that he is not "comfortable" with her and Pete staying in their home because A. They don't want any more drama and B. Courtney(my niece) says $40 is missing from her purse and Pete is the only "non-family" member there.

Deep breath. OK. I totally can't blame Ray for "A". We all went through way too much drama with my other siblings while staying at his house. My guess is that the Sheriff called them in the middle of the night too and so they knew a little something about that incident. That was really Jon's fault for giving out my family's phone numbers so that's neither here nor there but whatever. If Ray would have left it at that I would have been disappointed but I could certainly understand. Rachel is full of drama.

Point "B" is what really bothers me. First, I don't understand how someone can randomly point a finger at someone and make an accusation without any solid proof but by circumstancial evidence only. It ironically reminds me of when my Grandmother died and Ray and I went over to one of our cousin's house to retrieve some of my Grandmas' things. After we left they claim that some of their "things" that had been down in the basement where we were were missing and thus it must have been us that took them. Citizen's can't do that in a court of law, students at my school aren't allowed to do that and *no one* in MY home is EVER allowed to do that. I went through this with Rachel and Rhianna. Rachel frequently misplaces things and almost always points her finger at her sister and accuses her of stealing. Jon and I rip her a new one everytime trying to drive home the point of "if you have no proof, suck it up."

Now I realize that Ray just went through a bad experience with his daughter-in-law (who turned out to be so bad they took her baby away!) but I hope that hasn't caused him to be overly cautious of *everyone*. The really sad thing here is that I think a value has been placed on Pete soley because of the way he looks and that isn't right. No one knows my sister Rachel's boyfriend either and you don't see him being accused. And motive? Lord knows no one has a drug/alcohol problem in our family and would have a reason to steal...

I love my niece but lord knows she could have made the whole thing up for all anyone knows (she might have her reasons) and that is why it just isn't right. No one should be given that much power because it can be abused. When you point a finger of blame without any solid proof it is nothing but trouble and that's why people in general aren't allowed to get away with it in our society.

I am really sad that Pete has been targeted by my family because I do happen to know him and he is a nice kid. He has been in and out of my home for several months and nothing has ever gone missing. Jon's mom also had money out while they were there and nothing disappeared. She is really angry about the whole thing.

As a result of both my sister Rachel not answering her phone in Salt Lake and my brother's non-hospitality, Pete has taken out over $200 from his savings to pay for a hotel so they have a place to shower and sleep. I feel really embarrassed by this and Jon and I both plan to pay him back. I just pray his parents don't find out. Especially about the money accusation. His mom is a teacher at the Catholic school and his dad works at the Clinic. They are good people and if they knew about this God knows what they would think about my family! Yep.

I just want some time to not have to deal with any of this kind of crap. I think I am home and done with it all so I can have time to grieve and it just keeps following me! There is probably a lesson in there somewhere but I am just way too run down to contemplate what it is. I want to believe and trust in my family. I want us to be able to be there for each other and get through this in one piece. No matter how my brother's try to play it off, their mother is dead and they loved her. It's big. Really big and they can't run away from it by focusing on other meaningless BS. In the end I know that I can only be responsible for my own grief and recovery. That doesn't mean I don't think about them too and home hope that they are doing OK. I am disappointed by some of their actions but realize as I said before that they all have their own way of dealing with the grief. That's just life I guess. And death.

Mom's Obituary

Carolyn Grace Haynes
Carolyn Grace Haynes age 73, died Monday September 17th, 2007 at the Mallory House Assisted Living Facility

Carolyn Grace Haynes age 73, died Monday September 17th, 2007 at the Mallory House Assisted Living Facility. She was born October 2, 1933 in Wendell Idaho to Evelyn and Leroy Fowler. She graduated from Payette High School, and attended University of Idaho.

She married Edward Haynes in 1952 in Payette Idaho. She married Lorenzo Driggs in 1970 in Coeur d’ Alene Idaho. She worked in various positions in social services and directed several drug and alcohol rehabilitation clinics in the Phoenix area before retiring.

Survivors include daughters, Michelle Baines, Rochester, Minn. Rachel Driggs, SLC, Ut; sons, Stephan Haynes Wilmington N.C., Raymond Haynes, Idaho Falls, Id, Eric Haynes, Phoenix, Ariz., Patrick Haynes, Pine Mountain, Calif., and John Haynes, Milden Hall RAFB, England.

Memorial services will be held at 2:00 p.m. Thursday, September 20, 2007, at Buck-Miller-Hann Funeral Home, 825 E. 17th Street in Idaho Falls, with Deacon Wence Rodriquez, celebrant.

"There and Back Again"

I can't believe a week has past. So much has happened in that short amount of time. The time with family is over and now I must make time for myself and my own thoughts.

It was a long two day drive to reach Idaho Falls. When we arrived we were welcomed warmly by family. Three of my brothers chose not to attend. I know that one just doesn't have the money. The other two have their reasons I am sure. One important lesson I have learned is that everyone grieves very differently. One of my earliest encounters with death was when I was 17 and my friend's mom had cancer. It was a horrible thing to watch her slowly die and more horrible yet to watch my friend try to deal with her mother's illness and death. There were times when Mary didn't want to go see her mom in the hospital or even be around her at home. I think later she suffered some guilt from that especially since other family members accused her of "not caring". I was very saddened that they just couldn't understand how much she did indeed care. Just because a person doesn't cry publically and carry on, physically attend the *funeral* or otherwise outwardly acknowledge a death doesn't mean they don't care. They are perhaps the people who care the most and find that last goodbye far too painful.

I will not lie though, I would have loved to have seen them there! I do understand though. I am thankful that most of my siblings did attend and that we came together to get things done.

Mom had made out a will leaving Jon and I as executors but she never signed it. That doesn't matter so much because she had no assests whatsoever to the extent that we had to pay for her funeral arrangements. We had her cremated which she probably would not have liked (*much* more practical and affordable!) and had a nice little Catholic service for her. John did her life sketch and little Rachel, myself and Ray read some prayers. At the end the song in the aforementioned entry was played. It was very beautiful. I will hopefully get some pictures posted soon.

I had to leave to get back to Minnesota yesterday but today they were going to drive her ashes out to Twin Falls where they were going to hold a graveside service and then have her buried with her parents.

Sigh. I hope that went well. My daughter Rachel (my sister's name is Rachel too) left Idaho Falls today and is driving down to Arizona with her boyfriend to see Jon's mom. She wants to see her other Grandmother. She took this *very* hard as her and my mom were very close. She mentioned looking up Tom's mom too. That ought to be interesting.

I asked for a few details of mom's death when I went to the assisted living home. They found her on the floor in the fetal position between the bed and her wheelchair. It looks like she got up maybe sometime around 11:30 pm to go to the bathroom and had a heartattack. They said she was still warm when they went in and found her for rounds at midnight. They called 911 and tried to revive her but she was gone. So, I think it was very quick just like my dad. I should be so lucky.

The good news is that her dog will be well cared for. She really loved her dog and I worried about what would happen to her. If nobody there wanted her I was set to take her home with me. Apparently another resident had lost her dog and so they put Annie in her room. They all take care of her and love her so no worries.

I was smart enough last week to realize that I wouldn't be ready to get back to school tomorrow. The way things are shaping up I don't know that I'll make it back Tuesday either. We'll see. I need one whole day for home and one for work. I'll probably end up with neither!

Carolyn Grace

Chì mi na mórbheanna

CHI MI NA MORBHEANNA

O Chì, Chì mi na mórbheanna
O Chì, Chì mi na córrbheanna
O Chì, Chì mi na coireachan
Chì mi na sgoran fo cheò

Chì mi gun dàil an t-nàite 's d'rugadh mi
Cuirear orm fàilt' 's a' chànain a thuigeas mi
Gheibh mi ann aoidh gràdh 'n uair ruigeam
Nach reicinn air thunnaichean òir

Chì mi ann coilltean, chì mi ann doireachan
Chì mi ann maghan bàna is toraiche
Chì mi na féidh air làr nan coireachan
Falaicht' an trusgan de chèo

Beanntaichean àrda is àillidh leacainnean
Sluagh ann an còmhnuidh is còire cleachdainnean
'S aotrom mo cheum a' leum g'am faicinn
Is fanaidh mi tacan le deòin

TRANSLATION:

Oh I see, I see the great mountains
Oh I see, I see the lofty mountains
Oh I see, I see the corries
I see the peaks under the mist

I see right away the place of my birth
I will be welcomed in a language that I understand
I will receive hospitality and love when I reach there
That I will not trade for tons of gold

I see woods there, I see thickets
I see fair, fertile fields there
I see the deer on the ground of the corries
Shrouded in a garment of mist

High mountains with lovely slopes
Folk abiding there who are customarily kind
Light is my step when I go bounding to meet them
And I will remain there willingly

Mom

My brother just called me from Idaho. My mother has passed away this night. There is just never a good time for something like this and one can never really be prepared. We will spend the next week in chaos I am sure. It sounds like she died instantly so that at least is a blessing. Not much more to say right now.

School

School has begun. There is no way around it. This is the first year that I didn't really feel "ready". The process leading up to the big *first day* usually goes something like this:

Slight dread as August rolls around

By the second or third week of August there is a mad rush to finish any summer projects as well as enjoy each day of freedom to the fullest!

By the third week of August "teacher mode" kicks in and the great eye of Sauron looks from home to school. There is a feeling of physical need to get into the building itself and begin to nest for the year.

The fourth week of August sees most teachers in full teacher mode. Meetings, bulletin boards, meetings, class lists, meetings, etc...

Sept school begins with all of the compliments of a new year including new clothes, new hair, new supplies and the youthful spirit of the next generations shining before you. The scents of apple and pumpkin fill the bread and fragrance stores and the leaves begin to fall.

I love the process and it never has failed me until this year. None of that really happened with the "magic" that usually accompanies it. It didn't happen like that anyway. The truth is I dreaded every second of returning to school. This year I will not travel to Rhi's school twice in our six day cycle like I have been doing for the past five years or so. Rhi has moved onto Middle School and that in and of itself is bittersweet. For the first time in 13 years Jon and I do not have a child in elementary school. It's just weird. We will really miss that building. We have many memories of our babies there but it is for that very reason I thought it a good idea to leave. My colleague Diane who is at my home school on the days I am at Rhi's school approached me with the idea of trading last Spring. She offered to take Rhi's School so that I may have all of my homeschool.

There is no arguement that my home school has the "toughest" kids in the district. It would be the inner city urban school if we really were a big city. Not many folks want to work there Diane included. She had been there for three years and had had enough. She told me, "you do better with these kids. I just don't *get* them like you do". This is a compliment as to my teaching and specifically management abilities but also bears the weight of a heavy responsibility. It is that heavy weight that carried me into this school year. Can I really do it? Can I do it every single day? I'll have no fun break days of going over to Rhi's school like I had before. Those in truth were mental health days for me. In the end I chided myself for those doubts. I would do it and do it well because that is what I was hired to do. That is my job and I have always prided myself in doing it well.

Meet the teacher day rolled around and I found myself there actually helping out for the first time. Not having to do six bulletin boards meant I actually had the time to be there! In the end it was both the hugs and the shy and excited smiles of my students that stayed with me that day and carried me through to the first day of school. Their spirit and energy is the real reason I am a teacher. They truly keep me young each and every day.

Almost two weeks later I am happier by far. One school will be so much of a blessing for me. I hear whispers in the lounge of teachers who say it is the worst year behavior wise. I close my ears and eyes to this because within the confines of my room, my world, where each day I endeavor to bring the joy of music into the soul of each one of these children things are good. Things are very good.

School Days

No comment...

Whew

What a day. I woke up to Jon's stethoscope dropping onto me as he bent down to kiss me goodbye this morning! He is off of ER for now (thank you Lord!) and on OB. I stayed in bed and read my book just trying to enjoy the luxury of being able to do that. The day after tomorrow school begins and such simple pleasures will be few and far between.

I spent my morning finishing up laundry and ironing and taking care of the pets. Tracy called me late morning and came by. We biked out to Pine Island again and I really felt it this time. We left later and were caught up in the afternoon heat on the way back. I don't do well in heat so I kind of struggled on the way home. I did pull it off though and considering it's @20 miles round trip I think I did quite well.

Tracy and I finally have moments where we don't *have* to talk. That was nice. We both enjoyed the sight and sounds of the trail. I see people jogging or riding with headphones and I just don't get it. Why do we always want to cut ourselves off from the world around us? There are so many wonderful things those folks miss. It's kind of sad.

We stopped at A&W when we reached Pine Island and had rootbeer floats and onion rings. Not exactly a healthy lunch! When we came home I ran up to the store to get my grocery shopping done while she rested a bit and then went home to get some of her stuff done. She returned for dinner and brought salad stuff while I grilled chicken. We had a lovely dinner with Rhi and then went to see a movie. We came home and had wine and watched some of the family videos with Rachel, Rachel's boyfriend and Rhi. All I know is I have some *very* cute kids! I miss my babies but dearly love the young ladies they have become! One word takes me into sleep tonight. Lucky.

You've Waited a Long Time Baby!

As part of the Master Plan to launch our oldest, we finally were able to help her purchase a vehicle! This will be one of the biggest stress busters in all our lives! She is very, very happy and so are we!

Her car is actually better than mine! It is really hard to give up a paid vehicle that never breaks down so I sit and try to wait patiently for *my turn*! I already know what I want. A black 2007 or 2008 Honda Accord V-6. The Hondas just never break down and last forever. Mine has 140,000 miles and is still going strong.

Tomorrow Tracy and I are riding out to Pine Island. I look forward to the exercise. We were back into our walking routing last week but this week she will have her son and school starts so it will be more challenging. We are going to still try to manage it after school instead of before.

. My school schedule is horrible and I am already very stressed about it. The recommended sections for music are 27 and I have 29. I now get the pleasure of bus duty too. One of the bonuses of being in one building.

In an attempt to maintain some semblence of balance I have cancelled piano lessons and given my students the phone numbers of other teachers in town. All except for Rayna whose parents I haven't even heard from in a week or so so I am not sure what's going on there. I am willing to keep only her but to reduce the stress the rest had to go. *Sigh* "I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to do it..." I also must e-mail our Assist. Principal to let him know that I won't be running the "Riverside Rap" group in my "spare time" because I won't have any. That is disappointing too. They have overloaded me so far so as to not allow for anything *extra*. How that is best for kids is beyond me. It sure isn't what's best for me and it is times like this I wonder how long I can remain in this situation.

The Stay-At-Home mom in me kind of wants to come out and play. I wouldn't be one of those vegetarian-homeschooling-crafty moms I always read about though. *shudder* I don't know what I'd be. Just me I guess. I just want to be there for my family. Whatever it takes...