She Sings

And So It Goes

This song came to me in the middle of my day. I love it when a song you used to love so dearly comes to you after being forgotten for so long!

"In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows"

Billy Joel

Happy Birthday Jon!

My love turns 40 today! He is on call so we had to celebrate last night. We went out to Famous Daves and then had cake and presents at home. His "big" gift was from his mom and I. He has been wanting a portable DVD player for moonlighting and call. I found a nice Toshiba with a 10 inch screen at Best Buy. I hope he enjoys it! I was excited to see it on his list because it was something different. He is usually satisfied with the usual books, CD's and DVD's from his Amazon list. I just feel lame always getting him those things even though I know he enjoys them. Rachel gave him the BBC program Planet Earth. We were watching some of it on the portable player last night. "Excellent" series! We have barely even begun to watch it and it is amazing!

The past week has been crazy with Jon's brother here. We really had a wonderful time with them which I will detail later and we miss them terribly. The baby was *so* cute! Rachel totally fell in love with him!

This week Rhi and I both came down with a horrible viral thing. Rhi has the worst of it so I have been home with her for three days. Her fever is finally gone but now she is coughing up nasty stuff. Jon listened to her lungs and they are clear so I am not concerned. It is a miserable cough though and I am hoping she will feel better for Saturday. She is having her birthday party at the Waterpark of America. We let her have four friends at her party. They will be swimming all day at the park and then spending the night at the hotel. We may take them over to the Mall of Amercia briefly Sunday depending on how long they all sleep. Yep. Jon and I in a hotel room with a bunch of 6th grade girls (there is one neighbor boy who is younger). Why yes I am insane, why do you ask? ;)

Baines Family

The last week has been spent preparing for the visit of Jon's brother and wife. We currently have 3 Dr. Baines' in our house! It has been lots of fun and the children have cheered me considerably. Cooper is 5 and Alexander is 2. They are so amazing! It goes without saying that it has been nice to have a break from my family. Jon's family is very different.

I am also heartened that we have only three days of school days this week! I am hoping to take Dave's wife up to the Mall of America and perhaps the zoo on Thursday and Friday. I am looking foward to it. Jon didn't accept any moonlighting positions this week so he could be home with us. It has been nice.

I still have good and bad days regarding my mother's death. It seems so far away now.*sigh*

"Theres a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run to in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didnt realize it and you were scared
Its a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the tears
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly, you hear and see
This magic new dimension"

Happy Birthday Mom

Rachel was very very close with my mom. We lived with her for four years while I attended college and years later mom came to live with us in Minnesota for a year or so. October 2nd mom would have been 74. Many times I feel angry that she chose not to take care of herself and that she died way too soon. It was preventable. Later I realize that it's just one of those things you have no control over and must accept. It was her life and her choice. We may never understand why she didn't take better care of herself. Still, she lived longer than many other folks. I had a guy who works at our school come into my room Friday to give me his condolences. He lost his mom at age 18 like my friend Mary. No matter what, it's hard.

Rachel wanted to celebrate mom's birthday. She made this cake for her, bought the roses and had a heartbreaking card set out for her. We all sang "Happy Birthday" after dinner and then I read her card.

"Hey Grandma!
I hope you have a great birthday even though I can't spend it with you :( I love you so much! I miss you a lot and wish I could spend time with you again. I hope you find peace :)
Love Rachel

After we read the card she was in tears. It was very hard. Mom would have loved that Rachel wanted to remember her this way. My daughter can be a real pain sometimes (like most teenagers-except for the *perfect princesses* out there!) but deep down she is a very sensitive and thoughtful girl.

FYI-"The Cloak" doesn't work!

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No Regrets

Three out of her seven children made the service. Big Rachel arrived later from Tahoe. I assume Eric had no money. Pat was busy with his boys and Steve is just Steve. He didn't go to his father's funeral either. I am guessing he is in the advanced stages of alcoholism and doesn't venture out anywhere anymore. I think other family members are beginning to see what I saw in him long ago.

I know each and every person had their reasons but I think in the end it is a very sad commentary on our society. Or at least my family... John managed to fly from England, I drove for two days and Rachel came later and flew her son out too. If you have to be there, you just do it. Period.

The service itself was short and sweet. John did a great job with the life sketch and my Rachel even volunteered to read part of the mass. Not many people were in the audience which was a blessing for me. I dreaded the entire world watching me and my family grieve. I really appreciated all the folks that came from her assisted living place though. I am writing a big Thank You to them for caring for her (not an easy task!).

It is almost two weeks later and things are still not any easier. I think of mom first thing in the morning and all throughout the day. One of my students buried her head in my stomach yesterday and said "I am sorry for your mom" and started to cry. That was it for me! All 569 students at my school have been a rock for me. They are really sweet. My friends and colleagues have been invaluable too. It is times like this I miss the friends I had. They knew my mom better than anyone here in Rochester and know my family too.

I feel torn between the extreme grief of her being "gone" and relief that she no longer suffers. I'll tell you one emotion I don't feel-regret. The last time I saw her I gave her a big hug and said "I love you". That is all anyone could really hope for in the end.