She Sings

Snow is Coming

We are finally due for some snow but it comes on Saturday, not tomorrow!:( Tomorrow will be a hard day. The kids were already bouncing off the walls today so I can't imagine how they will be tomorrow! Rhi has a basketball tournament Saturday which now will be complicated by the oncoming bad weather. I really hope it is just cancelled. I hate trying to drive in the snow.

A local mexican resterant has a waiter that has been very flirty with both my daughter and myself. He is harmless enough (I think) and a nice side note is that he is determined to teach me a little Spanish. Between him and my students I just may be on my way to learning the one language I could probably use more than any other in my line of work.

"Tus lagrimas de tristeza
No me dejan olvidarte"

Loss

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
Norman Cousins quotes

I Want My Mommy

I foolishly thought that the Holidays wouldn't hit so hard as far as missing my mom as I really haven't spent a Holiday with her for many many years. Last Saturday I went out and did some errands on my own while the rest of the family slept in. Right at the checkout it hit me and I almost lost it right there. I started thinking of my childhood Thanksgivings and my mom and how all of the cooking I now do is fashioned after her and her meals. By the time I was out to the car I was crying pretty good. I took the long and winding country road home so I could take my time and have some space.

The next few days were better but as Thanksgiving loomed I began to get teary again. It seems to hit at the worst times like right in the middle of teaching. I am pretty good at keeping my emotions in check though so none of my students had to see me cry.

This year, as in the past few years, we had Thanksgiving at the Maldonados. I was up late cooking and when the big day came I was not feeling like having any company. I lingered at home as the rest of the family drove over and joined everyone after I had had some time for myself. I was doing pretty good until David's dad, who used to be a Methodist Minister, said a prayer that included "people no longer in our circle" or something like that. It was a lovely prayer and a nice thought but it just about did me in. At the same time David was running around with the video camara and I was doing all I could to try to be "normal" (no comment!).It was not only a reminder of mom but of the fact that this time next year we will not be with our friends as they will be moving to good ol' Texas this Spring. That just brought me down even more. They are just friends and it isn't like we can't ever visit with them again but it is still hard to see them go. I remember how sad it was the first time they left after Medical School and now we are going to bid them farewell once more. It kind of makes me wonder what ever brought them back in the first place. David knew that Kecia hated this place so really what was the point? I was thankful to have them close by for three years but I wish they could stay. Later that evening David asked me what it would take to get us out of Rochester. He just doesn't get it. "Not money", that's for sure. We like it here. We like small towns, we like the snow and the four seasons, we like the diversity and we like Mayo. I am not sure what was behind such a question as I think we have discussed this subject with them many a time. *sigh* Oh well. I hope I didn't come off as too moody that day. It didn't help matters that Rachel had to work again (like last year) and couldn't be with us that day. Jon left for moonlighting @5 and since the Maldonados turn in very early Rhi and I were home alone by 8:30 or so. I guess I can look forward to my own Thanksgiving next year. My friend Tracy didn't have her son and I was really wanting to invite her but it is Kecia's house and she is the host so that would've been rude. Next year I can have Tracy if I want and maybe some of the Residents that won't be able to get home for the Holidays.We can eat, stay up late and play games and have a great time!

I *am* very much looking forward to Christmas! Jon's mom is coming and possibly his sister Rebecca. I am going to need plenty of people around me for Christmas. People I like and trust, like Jon's family. I wish I could say the same for mine but the funeral really opened my eyes to alot of bad things I just didn't want to see before. I was naive and had some idealised vision of my brothers as "good guys" and protectors that would always be looking out for me. Time to grow up.

I had an interesting talk with the people who took care of my mom in Idaho Falls. They are not keen on my brother at all and now I am glad I have their side of the story too. My mom and brother had a falling out and I heard mom's side before she died, Ray's side and now a third party. Sad. That's all I got. Just sad. It really didn't have to end that way.

Stuffing Stuff

I found this today:

"It's also recommended you cook the turkey unstuffed, and prepare the stuffing separately. Why? Increased risk of bacteria in the stuffing. If you do choose to cook a stuffed turkey, make sure ALL of the turkey is at least 165°F, including the center of the stuffing."

I guess I have been a bit of a hermit because I haven't heard of this latest bacteria craze. Lord people, my family and I have had it cooked this way for the 40 years I have been on this earth on not once have we been poisoned. Get a grip. I have always taken it out of the bird and baked it longer to be sure so maybe that helps. We hates the soggy crap we do... We likes it very crunchy!

I have also heard that since cooking times are longer with a stuffed bird, the meat will dry out. Not if you know what the heck you are doing? Stupid. *Not* as stupid as "tofu turkey". Seriously, why even bother?

Yes it is 3am and I am grumpy!

I Smell Like a Car

One of my Kindergarteners came up to me yesterday and said, "it smells just like you in my car!". First of all, just *what* do I smell like? I would love to believe it is my bath and body vanilla or sensual amber but who knows? We are talking about a 5 year old! Second, I hope she didn't say something to her mom like, "it smells like my teacher has been in our car!" That would be awkward...

Tracy and I have been very good about our walking. We have been up to the mall doing our laps every day this week. Hard laps too. We hit JJill a few times too which was a bonus. I picked up a really cute velveteen blazer that *finally* went on sale! The bonus was an extra 10% off today and a free dark chocolate bar! I love a good walk!

Rhi has a temperature of 102. She hasn't been feeling too well the past few days and it all came to a head today. She made to and from school but I am not sure she will make it tomorrow. She is not too happy about that. She has and end of the quarter party, early release and her first dance. Poor honey!

The Sound of Silence

"And they write innumerable books; being too vain and distracted for silence: seeking every one after his own elevation, and dodging his emptiness."
T. S. Eliot

This struck me as so true in our society. One thing I learned to value in my experiences with Native Americans is the value of silence. I keep thinking I will have a day where I can sit in my house in silence with no one around and really enjoy just being alive.

.

This entry is enititled . because that is about the extent that I am able to write tonight! I seriously tried to comment on a few blogs I follow but couldn't put a thought together. I am just so very tired.

To Michelle in South Africa:
I keep reading but I have been unable to comment since you moved your blog. Not sure why and I am trying to figure it out! I still read and care!

Claire in Iowa: I left a comment for you too but I am not sure it went through. I am not loving blogger too much. I hope you feel better soon! PE's are serious. I do worry!

Sue in Arizona:
The dog thing is tricky isn't it? I am a dog lover myself and I like my neighbors too. Sometimes I am annoyed that my yard is used as part of their play area but I kind of hate that it bothers me. What's the big deal? It just kind of startled my Saturday when I was dressing and looked out my bedroom window to see my neighbor standing in my yard with her dogs! Then my dog goes off barking and chaos ensues. Her dogs often urniate in our yard (among other things) but my cats probably do the same in her garden. Sometimes I think a fence would make us better neighbors but I don't think I should have to put one up because I have only one toy poodle and she has two border collies. I love them too. I must admit that sometimes I am annoyed. On a different note, I hope that loser that was inappropriate with you ends up in prison somehow. I would try very hard to stay far away from him or anyone who knows him.

I think that covers it.Today kicked my bottom. I am just wiped. (Mental note, don't put bottom and wipe in sentences so close to each other). I wanted to do some chores but at this point my bed is calling my name. My stomach is somewhat better but I am still having discomfort off and on under my right rib. Great weight loss program though. *sigh* What to do at the end of a day where the waiter in a Mexican resterant seriously tried to pick me up while my daughter looked on with her boyfriend in hysterical laughter. Oh well. At least Tracy and I got our walk in and my hair is freshly dyed. The greys are gone and life is good.

Also, I just have to say this. I just read the blog of someone who sounds so much like the Kathy Bates character in Misery it is scary! Here is a quote:
"I don't know why I keep watching-for years and years the writers have been manipulating viewers, changing characters at the drop of a hat (remember when the tank came after Archie? And now he is the nice guy?) ruining all the doctors' lives, putting them through hell, etc..."

Here's a Misery quote:
"[shouting] I know that, Mr. Man! They also called them serials. I'm not stupid ya know... Anyway, my favourite was Rocketman, and once it was a no breaks chapter. The bad guy stuck him in a car on a mountain road and knocked him out and welded the door shut and tore out the brakes and started him to his death, and he woke up and tried to steer and tried to get out but the car went off a cliff before he could escape! And it crashed and burned and I was so upset and excited, and the next week, you better believe I was first in line. And they always start with the end of the last week. And there was Rocketman, trying to get out, and here comes the cliff, and just before the car went off the cliff, he jumped free! And all the kids cheered! But I didn't cheer. I stood right up and started shouting. This isn't what happened last week! Have you all got amnesia? They just cheated us! This isn't fair! HE DID'NT GET OUT OF THE COCK - A - DOODIE CAR!"

Yup.

Tummy Trouble

I think I may have gallstones. That is all...

Um...no

Christmas music and decorations right after Halloween? Are you kidding me? Crazy and sad at the same time.

Not Again

I knew something was up when I feel asleep at 8:00 last night. Jon and I were eating our dinner and watching his Planet Earth series that he received for his birthday. I totally zonked out. I had that strange tired feeling like your body is fighting something.

I woke up this morning with a "background" headache. Not horrible but there. I was also stiff and sore. Once I was up and moving I felt better and did well for most of the day. Dinner time came around and I didn't really feel hungry but I ate anyway. I knew it was strange for *me* to not feel hungry! 20 minutes later at the Parent Basketball Meeting I found out just how strange it was! I was running for the bathroom! I stayed with Rhi and watched her practice both so I could see her and be near a restroom. I felt better until I got up and walked to the car. That's when the nausea set in...

Tomorrow is a District Day and was my one chance to get caught up on all of my piles of stuff around my room. It figures that I would get sick! Here's hoping I feel better in the morning!

In other news I have decided to coax my piano skill out into the open a little more by purchasing some Evanesence piano music. I really shouldn't waste that talent but I rarely have motivation to play! I am pretty sure this is going to do the trick. I am already wishing I could feel well enough to sit at the keys and practice.:( Being sick is such a waste of time.

"In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To a river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night"
Billy Joel

So I Have This Friend...

No, really! I do! This may qualify as one of the more odd entries in my blog but so be it. I have something to say and I have been mulling it over within my own mind for awhile and I just can't gain any clarity. I am hoping that by tossing this out into the universe something worthwhile will come of it.

So I really do have this friend... I feel like there is something I am supposed to do for this person but try as I might I just can't figure out what it might be. The thing that makes it all so hard to even articulate is that everything I feel is based almost entirely on intuition. I have no proof that this person is in distress other than a "feeling". I don't *know* that they need me or anyone else to support them and yet I know very well that they do. Lately the feeling has been stronger and more urgent. I sense that time is running out and if I don't figure something out soon, my opportunity will pass me by.

I feel really dumb even writing about this so I can't even imagine trying to open up a dialog with this person on the subject. There is a feeling of an unfullfilled wish or a need to reach out to me by any means. For myself, I feel like I am on a precipice reaching down for a hand that I just can't find!

This is a person who is very lonely in a very personal and even spiritual way. Deep sadness and self-hatred. It doesn't matter if I am standing right next to them or somewhere far away, the feeling is the same.

So, how to help? I have thought on this and I have prayed on this for a very long time. I have left it alone and tried not to think of it to see what happens and I have tried to pretend it doesn't exist. One thing is certain, it isn't going away. Sometimes it is right before me and I feel so connected and close to a breakthrough and other times it just fades away for awhile. Right now I sense that serious issues are just bubbling around and causing great distress. I know that you can't really help someone who doesn't want help and also that it is not up to me to save the world. Still, it exists. it is right before me but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Vaguest entry ever? Welcome to my world!

"There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

And no it is NOT my ex-husband!

Men Are From Jupiter

I was lining up my Kindergartners yesterday and the boys were talking on their way. I pointed this out and said, "girls, let's show them how it's done". True to form, not one girl talked. I praised them and as an aside to one little girl I shook my head and said, "boys!". She eyed me for a minute and then with a total deadpan affect recited this:
"Girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider". To say I intermittently experienced hysterics for the next half and hour or so would be putting it mildly! The sad thing is I had never heard this and it is apparently quite the saying in both of my daughters' generation. Well, there's truth in it after all!

I have sinced filed this away in other Minnesota colloquial oddities like "duck, duck, grey duck" (instead of goose) and "budging" in line instead of taking cuts. *Sigh* I had another music teacher who has since retired try to tell me that during her quest for her English degree she learned that the Midwest has the purest form of American English. I think that's like saying Texas is the standard for class in the nation... Now ya'll know how I feel about Texas! Oh well.

And in other news I had a call from Rachel last night. She said, "mom, my brakes won't work". I told her to leave her car parked and I'd come and get her. That was when she told me she was still driving! Another scary mom moment for me! You just never know when they are going to come. I talked her into stopping but I know I lost a few years of my own life in the process. Maybe a Chevy Malibu isn't a great car after all. It's in the shop today. We'll find out if it's worth the effort of repair.

The Baines Talk

OK, so I know this is a horrible picture. The flash didn't go off because this was the last picture the camara managed to capture before it shut off due to battery failure! We had very bad luck with camaras during Jons brother's visit. This was the only picture I was able to get of the talk and it turned out to be the only picture period as Dave's camara was lost that night.

It was novel to have all three Baines Docs giving a talk to the medical students. It felt very strange though as we were in their shoes (or at least Jon was!) "just yesterday". They fed all of us and gave us some Mayo Medical School T-shirts so that was nice.

This picture shows Heidi at the far left at the podium and Jon in the way back center talking with a medical student. Heidi went first followed by Dave with his slide show and finally Jon. I thought they all did a great job. It was good for the girls to see their dad get up in front of a group and speak. The only other downside to the evening (other than Dave's camara being lost) was the so-called babysitting they said they would provide for Cooper and Alexander. Some lady watched the boys for 10 minutes or so and then she was done. Rhianna, Rachel and Heidi all took turns with entertaining them out in the hallway. I would've taken a turn but... Yeah. Let's leave that for the young girls. I did my time! I sat and relaxed with my dinner with no guilt whatsoever while chaos ensued out in the hallway! Ah youth...

Uh-oh

Jon just changed the belt on the power steering himself. It started to come apart and he needs the car to get to Wabasha tonight! Of course there are no mechanics on a Sunday. He is going out to test drive it right now. I know he has a PhD and all but... Yeah. I'm a little nervous!

When the Cousins Came

Two weeks ago, Jon's brother and his wife Heidi came into town for a visit. Jon's brother Dave is also a Family Medicine Doc that also went to Mayo Medical School. He is 13 years older than Jon and served his time here in the Midwest in the late 70's. He was married while in medical school to a girl named Pam. They were married for three years before their divorce. He then met and later married Catherine. Dave and Catherine were together for 15 years or so. They lived in St. Maries Idaho which is just south of Coeur d'Alene where I grew up. It was very nice to have someone we knew living there so we had a place to stay for visits. Sadly, their marriage ended several years ago. I think Jon's brother hit midlife and decided he wanted a family. He did a good deal of teaching and they had bought the house next to them for students to stay in while they came and did rotations. Heidi, who is younger than Jon and I, was one of his students. I guess it just happened.Regardless of how it happened, I love Catherine and we still write to her. I now have met and really like Heidi as well.

Dave is part of the Mayo Alumni (on the board) and has frequently come to Rochester for meetings and to visit. We have enjoyed this greatly as very few family members on either side have ever come to visit. This time he brought his two boys Alexander and Cooper. It was such a joy to have children in the house! Rachel and Rhianna turned into little mothers. Rhianna was more than happy to get out all of her toys from babyhood that she hasn't seen in years! We had to go through and baby proof the house which is something we haven't had to think about for many years. They were very cute but let me tell you, when Alex was screaming at midnight and diapers needed to be changed, we were glad to be just bystanders!

Sunny Day

Today has been a great day. The first really good day I have had in a while since mom died.

Jon has no moonlighting this entire weekend which is very unusual. We had a lovely evening together last night and woke up this morning to take Rhi to basketball. This year the traveling teams is broken up into A and B teams. She was very excited to be on the "A" team with her best friend!

Tracy and I were able to walk around the lake and have a carmel apple scone at Great Harvest. She had her son last week so we couldn't walk at the lake before school all week. Our walks are after school on those weeks and sometimes we just can't do it because of meetings or appointments. We miss the lake! We have been walking around it since March or so.

After the walk and scone we went to TJ Maxx. Rachel really likes my reversible jacket that I found there a few weeks ago so I bought her one too. It is really weird to have both of my girls now wearing my size clothes! My babies are so big!

I was pretty tired after TJ Maxx so I went home and took a two hour nap! Lunch was followed by various chores around the house. Jon made a delicious veggie stew for dinner and then I went to meet Tracy at a local store for a "Ladies Night Out" promotion. We had wine and goodies and shopped for two hours. I found some wonderfully cute little Christmas things that warmed my heart and a few gifts that did the same.

I came home and found that Rhi had finished some of her make-up work which was a relief. I think she is getting straight A's. We should find out soon as the quarter ends this Friday.

Rachel took us up to the theater and got us all in to "The Bee Movie". It sure pays to have someone who works at the theater that can get you in free! I wasn't sure I was going to like the movie but it turned out to be pretty cute. They played "Here Comes the Sun" which is a favorite of mine. It really reminds me of being a kid. I was suddenly transported back into the 70's on to 8th street in Coeur d'Alene. I am strangely attracted to "Sun" songs. "We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun..." Another favorite. "You are my Sunshine" was always one of my songs for Rachel when she was a baby. Tom always liked "Here Comes the Sun" for her so that was a little bittersweet memory that hit me in the theater. It felt odd to think of that and have her right next to me as an 18 year old. *Sigh* They will always be my babies. Anyway, this was a great song to end my day. This entire day has felt like the sun coming out!

"Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right"

The Beatles

No Words

There are no words to explain how tired I am right now. I wonder how I ever had the energy to blog in the past! I am not going to ever give up, but I must find a way to budget my time. I guess I didn't used to have a kid in sports, so that helped. I also didn't have a husband in a Residency so that was a plus. Finally, I wasn't spending much time with real time friends. Tracy and I still try and get our walk in every day and that I will not ever give up! You would think that this devotion to physical activity would give me more energy. Not yet. I am still waiting for that to happen...