Somewhere Only We Know
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
[break]
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Keane
I keep thinking that as time goes on the days will become more "real" for me. Quite the contrary, I feel like I am moving in slow motion while everything around me spins on by. Time stands still for me right now and it is strange.
Last night I had a dream that was so wonderful I really didn't want to wake up. It has followed me all day and given me comfort. I was back at my old house in Coeur d'Alene. I was playing in the woods with Janie and it was May. I knew it was May because the beautiful yellow lillies were blooming all over the forest. I could smell the woods just as it used to smell and feel the cool Spring air. Janie and I were soon joined by my old friend Mary and my current friend Tracy. We raced around the forest playing some kind of hide-and-seek game. Soon I could here my mom calling me just the way she used to. We all ran out of the woods and as we approached my house I could see my Grandma and Grandma out front planting flowers and my mom standing at the door in her apron and nurse shoes. I ran and buried my face in her apron just as I have in childhood and I wept. I am pretty sure this was some kind of dream about heaven. That would make sense as I had a brush with death today. I was going into work to work on my grades. We had some snow yesterday and the roads were pretty slick then. They seemed much better today and the freeway was totally clear so I took of the 4 wheel drive. That was my first mistake. Coming off the exit ramp and accelerating to 40 mph while merging was my second. I did a complete 360 and ended up facing traffic and on the embankment. I just remember that same feeling of slow motion and unreality. Oddly, I also had the feeling of other people in the car with me even though there were none. I said, "Oh my God" as I realized I had no control over the car and before I knew it I was facing cars. The worst part was having to wait for them to all go by before driving off the embankment. It was just a tad humbling... I put it back in 4 high and came off easy. I drove *very* carefully the rest of the day and tried not to think about what would have happened if there would have been cars in any of the three lanes I fishtailed across.After grades I met up with Tracy. We had a great time going to some of our favorite haunts and getting in some heavy duty walking. I missed seeing Jon today which sucked. He has a few moonlighting shifts in a row including one tonight until midnight. I really don't like the idea of him driving home that late and that far. *Sigh* He is on call and moonlighting the next few days as well. It will be Tuesday before I really get to see him.In the meantime I am running the show. I am glad I took a break today. I am going to need it. I came home to a very cranky Rachel. Thank God she is finally getting work hours again though. Sometimes I need some peace and quiet. As I prepare for sleep I hope that I will have nice dreams again but I know those kind are very few and far between. Song for tonight:Lifting Shadows Off A Dream
"He seems alone and silent
thoughts remain without an answer
Afraid and uninvited
he slowly drifts away
Moved by desire and fear
Breaking delicate wings
Lifting shadows
off a Dream once broken
She can turn a drop of water
Into an ocean
As the rain is pouring down
Tears of sorrow wash his mind
Drifting with the current
This stream of life flows on
He seems alone and silent
waiting on his hands and knees
The chill of winter's darkness sits quietly
Moved by desire and fear
he takes a few steps away
Lifting shadows
off a Dream once broken
She can turn a drop of water
Into an ocean
And she listens openly
He pours his soul into the water
reflecting the mystery
She carries him away
and the winds die slowly
And she listens openly
And she listens openly
Lifting shadows
off a Dream once broken
She can turn a drop of water
Into an ocean
Lifting Shadows off a Dream
Lifting Shadows off a Dream"
Dream Theater
I finally found a way to get an entry up. A few weeks ago the motherboard gave out and we lost our good computer. We had to resurrect the old Gateway for awhile until Jon was able to use our Mayo discount deal and order a new Dell. So now we have this awesome new Dell XPS with a nice 24 or 25 something monitor and all kinds of other good stuff. It's pretty sweet. We plan on rebuilding the motherboard on the old Dell and combining it with the Gateway for a second computer for the kids. I still would like my own laptop someday. Someday indeed.
I have an lot to write about too. My mom's death continues to follow me. Last night I had a dream that included our friends the Maldonados. Actually David's parents were featured in the dream quite a bit. At one point they were lying in a bed and my mom's ghost was next to them. It was very sad. I cried within the dream upon seeing her. I also wondered if it was an omen for David's parents. David and Kecia were also in the dream. They were always together and at one point went down into the basement to talk. I remained upstairs in the dream and was talking to David's parents. We suddenly realize that some kind of moniter has been left on and we can hear David and Kecia talking. Kecia was saying, "OK, then we are agreed. We are both going to act like everything is OK..." David was saying, "Yes, I just want to keep everyone happy". But David wasn't happy in the dream. He would act nice and kind one minute and very aggressive the next. It was altogether odd.When I woke up from dreaming I seriously wanted to go back to bed when I realized the reality of being awake. You know when something really shocking happens and sleep makes you forget about it for awhile but when you wake up it all comes flooding back? Yesterday I was informed that in August I will be a Grandma. 41 years old and a Grandma. I am not feeling the love on this matter. I am angry at my daughter for being stupid and betraying the trust we put in her. I am really worried for the baby as Rachel has trouble taking care of her cat and I am just sick in my heart. Deeply sick in my heart and my soul. There is no way to avoid feeling like a total failure as a parent. All of the time we put into raising a kid that we thought would be smart and love us and want to please us. A kid that is caring and responsible. The time we took for swimming and karate lessons, schooling, special trips, etc... All of that time spent for this? I want to love my Grandchild with all my heart and I am sure I will but I will also feel a great weight of worry for his/her future. This is just all wrong and I feel like this is a dream in and of itself. I am just not waking up though, am I? I have to deal and I am telling you I just don't know how. This is so final. So very final. 2008 was going to be better than 2007 for me. Too much change, too fast. I am just a simple girl and this is really too much for me."I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops, as they’re falling, tell a story
[Chorus:]
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)
Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape
[Chorus]
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light"
Paper Flowers
Evanescence
Funny kid quote:
"Can I go to the nurse to get some gasoline?"
He meant vaseline...
Today was not a good "mom" day for me. I can't get used to not being able to pick up that phone and call her. So strange.
"Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
Long way from my home
Sometimes I wish I could fly
Like a bird up in the sky
Oh, sometimes I wish I could fly
Fly like a bird up in the sky
Sometimes I wish I could fly
Like a bird up in the sky
Closer to my home
Motherless children have a hard time
Motherless children have-a such a hard time
Motherless children have such a really hard time
A long way from home
Sometimes I feel like freedom is near
Sometimes I feel like freedom is here
Sometimes I feel like freedom is so near
But were so far from home"
Wow! Life just keeps getting better for me as far as Johnny goes! I came across this today:
"Tourism director working to bring film to the area
By STEVE CAHALAN - La Crosse Tribune
The executive director of the La Crosse Area Convention and Visitors Bureau has confirmed he wants the proposed Johnny Depp movie about bank robber John Dillinger to be filmed in the greater La Crosse area.
“Over the last three months, I’ve had dozens of phone conversations and e-mails with people connected to this project,” Dave Clements said. “I continue to work with them to hopefully facilitate some kind of filming in the area.
“Nothing is in concrete, nothing is set in stone,” Clements said. He declined to identify area sites he has suggested for the film, in which Depp will star as Dillinger.
Last week, Lt. Gov. Barbara Lawton said she hopes the movie “Public Enemies” will be filmed in Wisconsin. And the Baraboo News Republic newspaper said filmmakers are looking at a local bank.
Lawton said the filmmakers have scouted at least 20 Wisconsin sites, and NBC Universal executives could decide on locations by mid-January. New tax breaks for film production in Wisconsin take effect today.
At a press conference Wednesday, state Sens. Dan Kapanke, R-La Crosse, and Ted Kanavas, R-Brookfield, and Clements will speak about the legislation that established the new tax credits." (from Deppimpact)
Chicago would have been as close as I have ever been to Johnny but La Crosse is far closer! Dude that's like 45 minutes from here!! Now I would never wish ill to Mr. Depp but I would imagine that filming can be a dangerous thing. If the worst happened and Johnny was slightly injured while filming, where do you think they would take him? To Mayo my friend, straight to Mayo! And if my Jon happened to be on in the ER and treated him, I would never know... I forgot about my husband's obligation to protect people's privacy. *sigh* Oh well, I can dream.
Actually, it would be fun to meet him some day because I do find him interesting but I am not really truely "ga ga" over him. He's just a man after all. I am a pretty shy person anyway and if I walked by him on the street I would likely keep on walking. It makes me cringe to see how these people have no privacy and I really don't want to be a part of that. I can't imagine how that must be. Sometimes I feel kind of paranoid though because I did write him a letter and in the letter I told him that I would love it if he made some kind of a DVD or something of him playing and singing. I would love to have something like that to show my students. I can't exactly pull out Sweeney Todd for them to see. That's too bad too because I'd love to have them see him sing most of all. He is such a role model for them so it would be cool to see him promote music that way. Many of my students are underprivliged and it would mean the world to them. I am paranoid about my letter because I even invited him to come to our school anytime! Now I am nervous about that because he is kind of an unpredictable person and I have a feeling that if he had a mind to do something like that, he'd just pick up and do it! I am teased by my friends and colleagues that know about the letter! I actually began to forget about it because it was so long ago and I certainly did not get any kind of response. Now I see he might be close by! Perhaps I should write him again? It doesn't hurt to ask! The invitation is always open Johnny!Johnny singing for my students! I could retire a happy teacher! I bought the most recent Rolling Stones only because of the title-Johnny Sings. Yes he sings and he sings quite well as the Golden Globes can attest to. Singing can save us all! That much I know is true!
Yesterday was so totally Monday. I was tired and my students were tired.Once they woke up they were all over the place! I never really woke up... We had a music staff meeting that was entirely boring. Tracy had a horrible time out in the parking lot. She rear ended a guy and missed the whole meeting waiting for a policeman to show. The day ended with Jon and I fighting with and about Rhianna. Something is just so wrong with her lately. She acts tired all the time and complains constantly. Rachel started this in middle school too. I suggested perhaps a private school for Rhi. She just isn't getting the mental stimulation she needs in our public school system. Ya'll know I totally advocate public school but ours just really sucks. What did it for me was the fact that she couldn't take a GATE class due to the GATE teacher's part-time schedule. There is just no excuse for that kind of BS. I think with her ADHD a private setting would be better. Now that hormones are kicking in she is even more distracted then before. Here we go with another teenager. I barely survived the first!
I watched Housewives with Rachel last night. One of the characters was killed in a tornado. Her relatives didn't want any of her personal stuff other than the valuables and were also not interested in taking care of her ashes. Boy did that bring back my mom's funeral! I had dreams of my mom's "stuff" all night. I keep her purple blanket on my bed to keep me company at night. I can't imagine and don't understand how my brothers have no interest in her belongings. They were a a part of her and help to keep our memories of her alive. I just don't get it.The first few days back to work after a break are always the toughest. It seems ridiculous that they would make us come back on Thursday.Why not just finish out the week? It seems to me the Christmas break used to be a full two weeks. That ended in our district when they set up these early release and late start days. Bad idea. It certainly is not what's best for kids. The teachers do not have enough time to do any kind of meaningful staff development, parents are greatly inconvienced and children are cut short on their breaks. Not good for kids at all.
Tomorrow begins the first full work week which should be a shocker. I have an all day meeting on Wednesday with our Music Study group so that will be a nice break in the middle of the week. The race to finish grades also keeps me focused. It is always tricky trying to get in all the MLK songs I want to do *and* do assessments. Not much else is going on. I spent the entire weekend just cleaning and doing errands and felt bad that I didn't even get to taking down Christmas stuff. Still, laundry and ironing are done and I have chilli for tomorrow's dinner. That will be nice to have ready as I have a music meeting after school and Rhi has basketball. *Sigh* I'm ready for life to slow down already. At least Jon doesn't have call until Tuesday and no moonlighting until Sat night. Hopefully he will be around long enough to kiss!Back in Novemeber I wrote an entry regarding someone I know that may need my help in some way. My last paragraph best sums up the situation:
"So, how to help? I have thought on this and I have prayed on this for a very long time. I have left it alone and tried not to think of it to see what happens and I have tried to pretend it doesn't exist. One thing is certain, it isn't going away. Sometimes it is right before me and I feel so connected and close to a breakthrough and other times it just fades away for awhile. Right now I sense that serious issues are just bubbling around and causing great distress. I know that you can't really help someone who doesn't want help and also that it is not up to me to save the world. Still, it exists. it is right before me but I can't quite put my finger on it."
I am sorry to say that after two months of letting it sit, nothing new has come to light except perhaps the reinforcement that this person does indeed need help. I think that perhaps I am closer to knowing what kind of aid they actually need but that doesn't help much as far as actually getting what they need to them. After all, they have to want it and therefore they have to be the one to just come out and ask for it. This is that much more difficult because it is almost like the subconcious part of this person is crying out for support/help and the conscious part pretends that life is just peachy. That's pretty typical of most anyone I suppose.
And what is it that they need? Simple. A friend. Someone they can trust. I feel like they want to trust me but something is holding them back. There is really not much I can do about that. They will come around, or they won't. In the meantime, I am waiting and doing what I can to help this person in other ways. Song for tonight:"Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Walked out this morning, dont believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems Im not alone at being alone
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Sending out at an s.o.s.
Sending out at an s.o.s.
Sending out at an s.o.s.
Sending out at an s.o.s.
Sending out at an s.o.s.
Sending out at an s.o.s..."
The Police
Well, 2008 has already started out better anyway. Today was a pretty good day despite the fact that the computer still doesn't work right so I can't post pictures on my blog yet. We haven't had mail in almost two weeks so that should be quite a load when it finally comes in!
I woke up in much better spirits than last night. I felt down and sad and my family's comments only served to make it worse. I awoke to a sunny day and some time to myself as Jon and Rhi were gone and Rachel was still asleep. I had an entire morning alone which is unheard of. I cleaned up after my guests which really felt good! I went and had the car washed on the way to pick up Rhi from her sleepover and than ran to the grocery store. It was then that I noticed that the temperature had dropped considerably. We have a minus 20-25 wind chill and are under a wind chill advisory tonight. The first day of January sure *feels *like January. The cold didn't waste any time!Tracy and I tried to walk at the mall while Rachel made dinner but right when we arrived they had closed early for New Years. We still managed a lap and a half and have vowed to make up for it tomorrow. Tracy came home and had spaghetti, wine and chocolate with us and then we all watched Pirates 3 since she hasn't seen that yet. It was a good time. As night settles in once again I feel the sadness coming on. I try to occupy my mind with other things so I can sleep. Last night I did a search on google for Tom just to see what would come up. I found him on some kind of a woodworking site and had to laugh. Tom always has some kind of expensive hobby that takes him away into his own little world. Away from his family. When I knew him he rebuilt a car engine, made whisky, attempted mountaineering and began to want to cook. These hobbies always require expensive top-of-the-line equipment as well as lots of time away from his significant other. It was beyond annoying. He and Jon both left me alone for a week when I was 8 months pregnant to go to a course in Colorado. Not only could we not afford it, he missed school and left me on my own without a care in the world. I wasn't a happy camper to say the least. Especially since I couldn't go because I was pregnant. After I left Tom, he discovered mountain biking, photography and sailing. Now he apparently is into wood. "A Jack of all trades and a master of none" about sums it up. He would put all that time and money into something and then not finish it.The really interesting thing was that under his self-description on the wood site he put that he had been married for 7 years to his current wife. They were married in 2004 so that isn't excactly the truth. Why would anyone lie about that? Sad. Sadder yet was me wasting my time on looking him up. That's how bad my insomnia can be...