She Sings

Jon, Call Your MOM!

Dearest Heart,
That's right, your mom called *again* (third time this weekend now) wanting to know the dates for our arrival in Arizona. That would be because you still haven't called her. She is going to work tomorrow and needs to know.

Hayppy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Mary today! At least I think it is today! I never could remember if it was the 25 or the 26th. I am pretty sure it is today because ironically it is also the Birthday of "Chel" my ex's second wife. Weird wild stuff... Or not.

Memorial Day

A reading on the history of Memorial Day reveals that while it was orginally intended to honor those that had died in military service, it is now used to honor anyone who has passed. Jon and I went to see the Indiana Jones movie last night. The movie held a quote I thought quite appropriate for today- "seems we are at the age where things are no longer given to us but taken away". Something like that anyway-the wording may not be perfect. I thought this day was a good day to reflect on loved ones who have been "taken away". These are the people I have known and loved in my life that have left. In chronological order of death:

Carla Heinisch (my best friends' mom)32?

Bill Heinisch (her dad who died a few years after Carla)30 something

Leroy Fowler (my Grandfather) 92

Thomas Duff (my ex father-in-law) ??

Michael Duff (my ex brother-in-law)20 something

Evelyn Fowler (my grandmother) 91

Raymond Baines (my father-in-law) 80's

Carolyn Haynes (my mom)74

Heather Cody (my friend) 37

Silent Lucidity-Queensryche

"Hush now don't cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
Youre lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over...or has it just begun?

Theres a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run to in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize it and you were scared
Its a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the tears
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly, you hear and see
This magic new dimension

Chorus
I-will be watching over you
I-am gonna help you see it through
I-will protect you in the night
I-am smiling next to you...in silent lucidity

If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumblng down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dreams alive, you can be the guide but..."

In other news, no tornados here yet. Cross your fingers...

Resting

I have had this horrible cold for two weeks now. The last few days I have just been coughing my head off. I am going to stay home tomorrow and have a day of rest in hopes of getting a handle on it. It is really hard to stay home and *be sick* when it is Spring outside. Spring usually finds me energized, optimistic and cheerful. Instead I am just feeling very tired and frustrated that so many beautiful things are being spoiled by this cold. I can't hardly walk with Tracy because I will start a coughing fit if I go too fast. This means I can't really hike at Whitewater either. *Sigh* It doesn't help that my husband and family are completely unsympathetic. I am a total baby when I am sick and really need for someone to *take over* and take care of me. Ironically, the doctor just doesn't have it in him.My daughters can sometimes be helpful but it is nothing to count on.

So, tomorrow I'll sit at home and take care of myself. I really hope one day is enough because I can't afford to be gone from school too much.

I have had moving on my mind alot lately. Jon finishes Residency next year and we will need to make some decisions. We could stay here, of course, but with Mayo having no openings in Family Med (unless something changes in the next year) our options here are limited. I am feeling a little tired of *here* anyway and despite my wonderful friendships and my job I would be up for change if it were the right one.

We have many solicitations from Texas, strangly enough, but there is no way on this earth I am living there. No thanks! My dream has always been the town I grew up in-Coeur d Alene Idaho. Jon loves it too. My only worries for moving there now would be #1 My sociopathic psycho step-father who lives in Spokane #2 The schools. There is nothing I can do about my step dad. He is getting pretty old now so hopefully time will take care of him. As far as the schools, I just assumed that they wouldn't be that great. I mean, you know...Idaho. After getting into some research on the matter, however, they actually have more kids reading and doing math at or above the average than Minnesota. Better yet, Coeur d Alene has a charter school that is a college preparatory school. Charter schools are part of the public school system and are free. This one looks excellent. Could I really see myself living in the place I always dreamed of living? Could I actually find some property with woods and a creek, room for a horse and actually be able to afford it? Could Jon actually make enough that I could stay at home and make our house a real home? It seems like I have wanted that for so long and lost sight of it in the waiting. I forgot where my true ambition lies. I want peace and quiet in a great woodsy location, four seasons but no artic air and bad ice storms, room for animals and the ability to travel and spend time with family. How did I get so far away from that?

Now we just need to find Jon a job there...

Alone Tonight

Dear Husband,
Call home. You forgot your cell phone so I can't contact you, the fireplace won't work, your younger daughter is in *big* trouble and I am coughing like there is no tomorrow.

"There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer"

Ex's

"My husband was seriously puzzled by all of it. In 1987 he was 20 and listening to Led Zep and Ozzy, so he missed out on the whole Astley era."

Yeah well honey "T" is seriously puzzled by so many things! In 1987, he was 20 and was *my* husband. We were living in Orlando and he was attending nuclear power school. He was pretty busy and we were more into Boston then anyway. He was over and done with (like he is with so many things eventually) Led and Ozzy (don't forget Pink Floyd).

Speaking of the ex, Tracy and I were listening to the Beatles on Mother's Day on our way up to the Mall of America to do some more shopping. I bought her lunch for Mother's Day (Ruby Tuesdays) and we shopped for awhile before driving over to Eagan to see Rhi play her last game of her weekend tournament. Jon led the team to the championship and we all went out to Dairy Queen to celebrate. It was quite an exciting weekend. The girls were so happy to win!

Anyway, Tracy and I decided this was a great song for both of our ex's:

"He's a real nowhere man,
Sitting in his nowhere land,
Making all his nowhere plans
For nobody.

Doesn't kave a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?
Nowhere man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere man, the world is at your command.

He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere man can you see me at all?"
Beatles

Mom

The next time we would all come together like this would be for mom's funeral. I would venture to say it is the last time we will even come together again considering what happened there. Happy Mother's Day mom. Missing you tonight...

Mother's Day

Not looking forward to it this year. There are so many things that lead me to believe that this Mother's Day may not be the best. Of course there is the issue of not having a Mother anymore. I know mom will be on my mind most of this weekend and when that happens I like to have some alone time. That brings me to the other issue. Jon scheduled a soccer tournament for this weekend. Now I do love watching Rhi play and all but I guess I wouldn't have picked that for myself as a *fun* or *relaxing* thing to do on Mother's Day. Since the tournament runs for two days it means that we will be very busy and any alone time will be lost. All of my cleaning time will be lost too which means that tonight will likely be spent doing laundry, etc... to try to get things done ahead of time. Yee ha. Finally, the weather. Once again it looks to be cold and rainy. I am still trying to recover from a cold so that means that I can't really sit out and watch Rhi play in the cold and rain anyway, even if I wanted too. And no I don't want to hear how the cold and wet doesn't make you sick and how it's all just a wives tale, etc... dear husband. When it's cold and wet, people get sick. That's a fact no matter how it happens. So, I will likely be in the car if it really pours and miss the games anyway. I seriously am thinking of staying home Sunday but I'll just be inside since the weather will be bad. My perfect Mother's Days have been the ones where I was able to garden or go out to Whitewater with the family. I guess I am going to have to be creative this weekend. I don't really know what I want so I guess I'll just take it as it comes. It could be worse I guess. At least my husband is thoughtful and always lets me do what I'd like to do. One of the soccer dad's commented the other day that Sunday he was going turkey hunting because that's what he does every Mother's Day.????? I don't get it. It's not a day for you to just give her some flowers and then take off and do whatever *you* want! She gets to drive her kid to the tournament and sit there in the rain so he can go turkey hunting. Wow. And, only in Minnesota would they schedule the fishing opener for Mother's Day weekend so men all over the state can find a reason to leave their wives alone on Mother's Day. If you think that fishing is not a big deal so who cares you haven't been to Minnesota... I guess many of those wives prefer to be left alone so it all works out in the end! I don't usually want to be alone. I really enjoy being with my family on Mother's Day but if I begin to feel depressed about my mom I might want a little alone time.

I do know that it's only Friday and already I feel a little grumpy and depressed. Fridays at school are so hard anyway but tonight is the carnival so the kids will be even more hyper than usual. Again, yee ha! I'll just keep in mind all the fun I had last Friday with Tracy. On our day off we went up to the Cities and had a wonderful day! I went off my diet for a day and ate lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. We explored the Crate and Barrel store as well as the Pottery Barn and then drove over to the Mall of America for the afternoon. I purchased a lovely red backpack purse at Clarks that I have been eyeing since Christmas as well as some loose tea from Teavanna and other assorted clothing items. It was fun. I'll try and keep that in mind today while I muddle through. I do enjoy my students and hopefully I will feel cheered by them when I get to school.

Celebrate!

I have officially lost 10lbs! I am in the 120's for the first time in a long time! It is hard to get used to my new flatter middle but I think I'll manage! ;)

Happy May Day

I Love It When
Daniel Kallman

"I love it when the robin awakes me, singing her song to welcome the day;
I love it when the breezes blow gently making the trees and the green meadows sway.

Oh, cherish the earth so the bees still dance on the flowers in Spring;
Oh leave me a world where all creation in harmony sings.

I love it when the river runs freely, down from the mountains and out to the sea; I love it when the snow falls softly, covering all the world I see.

Oh cherish the earth so the spiders still spin in the morning dew; Oh, leave me a world so my children and their children can love it too.

I love it when the sun sets slowly, bathing the sky in wonderful light; And when the moon shines in through my window, I love it when you kiss me goodnight."

These were the lyrics to one of the songs the Honors Choir sang on Sunday at Rhi's concert. I feel in love with these lyrics. Maybe not so much the part about the snow...;) Why the robins just woke me this morning so this song is very fitting! Rhi continued her tradition of making May baskets for her friends. It will be the last year to make some for Maya and Rayna :(.

Thinking of my friend Heather today. Missing her.