Today my little baby turned 20! It is so hard to believe 20 years ago I was pregnant with her. It really seems like yesterday! We had a great night going out to eat at her favorite place, shopping and home for presents. Her "big" present was a camcorder to video Maxwell. I would love to post pictures or some cool song or poem but I am pretty sure my dreams started without me. I am going to catch up!
I have had so much to reflect upon this month. Not long ago one of Rhi's good friends asked me to be her Godmother. This was the catalyst that started a spiritual journey for me that had been cut short pretty much in my childhood.
My religious upbringing was strange to say the least. My step-father was an ex-Catholic priest so of course we grew up Catholic. Now that I am older, however, I can see that I really didn't. I was the youngest so most of my religious experiences were with Lorenzo (step-father). He was ex-communicated for marrying my mom so if we went out to church, it was the Epicsopal church we actually attended. I say "if we went out" because Lorenzo ususally held mass at home. He had his reasons for not allowing us to go out much or have much contact with the outside world. I remember him saying he didn't really believe in confession (after I found out from other kids that good Catholics are supposed to go to confession) and now I know why he kept us from that. Confession would have been the only chance for us kids to tell someone what was going on at home. He cut us off from the rest of the world so most of what I know is from him( and I am realizing it isn't much).I do remember briefly walking through the woods and up the hill to St. Pius Church to attend catechism but that was very brief. I was never formally taught, never experienced first communion or any other special event (can't remember being baptized as a baby) and basically was totally jipped. Lorenzo was such a sick pup that I can't rightly take in anything he ever taught me.I didn't know that Lorenzo was the sick person that he was until I was 16. That was when I found out that my entire childhood was a lie and I had been raised by a total creep. I was very hurt and angry that no one had ever thought to clue me in to what had been going on in my own family. Consequently I developed a bad attitude towards religion. My association with Tom and Jon furthered this as Tom is basically an atheist and Jon is a minister's son whose father had the same problem as Lorenzo.(/p)I still craved a spiritual connection, however, and I tried my best to get back there. I even coaxed Tom into a Catholic church but that was as far as it went. He didn't hate the church like Jon but was more indifferent as he is about most things that don't directly involve him. Jon hates the church and he really hates the Catholic church. This was a big influence for me and I was willing to accept that he wasn't ever going to go to church nor wanted our kids to go to church. I wasn't willing to give up being a spiritual being because that is so much a part of who I am. I explored and encouraged Jon to experience Native American spirituality. We were brought into the Pow Wow scene via Jon's brother and I felt very much at home. We pretty much raised Rachel with Native American spiritual traditions which are an integral part of their everyday life. We started with Rhi but by then I was working full time and life was so busy. The Spiritiual side of things was once again left behind. This is a crime because Rhianna has a very strong spiritual side to her that was evident at her birth. I wanted to nurture that and was never sure how it could be done. I began to feel that even with the Native stuff, I was doing all the work. I am not sure Jon was ever really interested in even the Native stuff at all. We tended to surround ourselves with friends who also were not overty religious and that made things eaiser on us here in the Midwest. One of our very good friends for many years also shunned religion. His father was *also* a minister (seeing a trend?) and yet he had Native heritage as well. They also raised their kids without religion so it was a good fit for us. They seemed to also embrace many of the Native American beliefs and were the closest friends we had to our own view on the matter. His father was not as dysfunctional as Jon's and my own (that I know of - but anything is possible I guess!) and yet he still had the same attitude toward religion that we did. Or at least his wife did.It was easy for us to live without religion and we didn't really feel we were missing out on anything.I have recently come to question all of this. The death of my mother and my good friend has left my very spiritually depleted and no support system exists to fill the void. I have come to realize that I don't want my children or my grandchildren to feel this way. My soul had long hungered to share with others a spiritual experience. I love the ceremony and the ritual, I need the reflection and self-evaluation as well as the support from others. I marveled at the way my brother's church came together when my mom died and brought food over every night. I love the fellowship and even just the human touch which is highlighted with the "peace be with you" ritual with the Catholics. Human connection is so important. Sure I have my family and my best friend Tracy and our other good friends. I really feel I need more or want more at this stage.Tracy has continually invited me to her church which is Methodist and I always thought to go someday. My friend Sheila in high school invited me to her Southern Baptist church so I have been to other churches but none come close to the beauty I have always found in the Catholic traditions.As a Godmother, I have been brought back into the Catholic church. Last night my Goddaughter was baptized as a part of a special and lovely mass. Jon and Rhi went to but I am not sure they were very impressed. Rhi went to support her friend and when I asked her what she though it was basically "no comment". There are still things I don't agree with and always will be. One of the other people being baptized was a former Buddist and there was a speech by the Father that basically said how wonderful it was that this woman had "seen the light" and switched to Catholicism. I am not really on board with the "we are better than every one else" thing and that is one of the things that turns me off. I think it is possible to still attend and share fellowship and get what I need. I can certainly just filter the things I don't accept like I do with everything else in my life. No need to throw out the baby with the bath water. Speaking of babies, I really would love to get Max baptised. Rachel at least seems interested so maybe she will go to church with me. In any case, I have started a new journey and it will be interesting to see where it leads."The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason." - Marya Mannes
I still love this quote put up by my ex and meant for me. I had a horrible dream with him in it last night which prompted some more reflection.
As I look back, perhaps he really is a sociopath? I don't want to sound like my mom and call every person I don't like a sociopath but I think my ex really might be one. To be able to control emotions you have to have them. He is perhaps one of the most emotionless souls I have ever come across and he trys to counter that with the "application of reason". It is a know fact that sociopaths have no conscious and this explains his actions far better than anything else. Fact number two- Sociopaths are very smart (application of reason indeed). I have always been kind of embarrassed to admit to all the things he had me believing because I do take a lot of pride in protecting myself from abusive people. Now in retrospect, I have to admit he had me fooled. Witnessing him doing this with another victim is the thing that opened my eyes. By now she is realizing that the things I was saying about him are true and that I wasn't just trying to be the "bitter ex". Sadly, if he is true to form, he choose another person who hates to admit they are wrong. She will suffer in silence, especially now that a child is involved, and she will not admit her mistake.Anyway, that was what my dream was about. I was trying to help his wife. She had called me and wanted to talk to me but it was one of those dreams where you can't quite "get there". The phone would ring and by the time I answered, she wasn't there. I finally answer and I can't hear her. I try to call her and he answers. It was weird and I am having trouble shaking it off.*big sigh*Tomorrow school is back. Yuck. I find out if I will be getting a pink slip. I probably will. Yuck. At worst, I might end up moving to another school which for me would be worse than losing my job entirely. I hate change and I have heard stories of how bad others schools can be. I like my school.
My break was pretty good albeit busy. The Sunday after my last entry I stayed home and relaxed (and cleaned). Monday I was off to the Mall of America again with Rachel. We had great mother/daughter time. Tuesday I did some things with Tracy and then went with Rachel to her afternoon doctor appt. She didn't really need me for Max. He slept the whole time! He is so good! Wednesday we went back to the cities to get Jon and Rhi. Tracy and I went to the Southdale shopping complex and had lunch before we picked everyone up. It was nice to have my family back home and I am very thankful to Tracy for staying with me almost every night in my guest room so I wouldn't be all alone in my house! Thursday we went up to the zoo with Rachel, Max and Pete. That was also a fun day and Max was awesome. Rachel drove her new car she just financed. She paid off her Malibu with tax money and at my urging financed a safer car for the baby. I didn't trust that Malibu after the brakes quit on her *while* she was driving. Too scary for this paranoid chick! Friday we stayed home much to my relief. I am tired of jumping in the car and "going somewhere" which is saying alot because I normally like to go go go. I am just feeling so tired lately. Saturday we cleaned like the dickens to get ready for a photographer to come out and get family candids. They are doing a little story on Jon in the paper in July so they are gathering photos for the cause. It was kind of a khaki convention but we all had fun and I think the pics will be *very* nice. Today was another day mostly at home. Jon was moonlighting last night so I made breakfast for everyone. The house is nice and clean from yesterday but I still have to get up the bunny stuff and do some ironing.We went out for errands but in the end we all became tired. I went home and took a nap while Jon finished with the groceries. He is making chili for tonight! I love my husband! He will have most of April off so we should really get some things accomplished and have more time with each other.Despite my mental and emotional fatigue, and my impending job situation, I know I will enjoy April. It has always been a busy month but a joyful one. Spring lifts the spirits of anyone with blood pumping through their veins. Rachel's birthday is also in April and that always brings me happiness. She will be 20 this year! Amazing.